I know I don't normally do this and am the advocate for keeping your chin up, but honestly? I'm tired of my chipper attitude and keeping a smile on my face for everybody else when I want to throw myself on the ground, kick my legs and scream bloody murder...that's right, a good, old fashioned temper tantrum. I figure maybe if I get this all down, or most of it, I'll feel better since it'll be out of my system. I'm not wanting sympathy...just come visit and go to the bar with me instead.
The last few weeks have been harrowing...actually, this whole year has been so far. It seems everytime I think something is going my way for a change it blows up in my face. Within the last two weeks in particular I've had my dogs stolen, a horse turn over on me, another run for the shed door and when I bailed cracked a rib, my boss argue with me - only to turn around and admit I'm right but take credit for my thoughts to our supervisor, been left incredibly lonely during my ordeals, and to top it all off, it hasn't stopped raining and my paddocks are ankle deep in mud so no training is occurring and rodeo may be out for me yet again this year. I am depressed and unhappy and I can't help but think what could I change to fix these situations short of living in a small, padded cell? I really can't think of anything, so please feel free to share any ideas you have. And yes, I just keep wiping the mud off and moving on through the storm.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (perhaps why I'm feeling so overwhelmed) about what I want in my life that maybe I thought I'd already have by now. So if this is selfish and greedy sounding I apologize in advance.
I want a real home
Really, I've been bouncing around since I was 18. I want someplace to call home, know it's mine, put in some roots...
I want a truck with less than 200,000 miles on it
I love my truck, but really, she deserves to retire...and no matter how hard I work at it, I just am not getting to that goal.
I want someone to belong to no matter how far apart we are (and vise versa)
I don't want to date anymore. I don't want to play games. I want to have that security and just know (ya know?).
I want someone to come home to
Empty house, empty yard, empty fridge...
I want a family that includes people
I love my dogs, cats, horses...goose, chicken...but sometimes I appreciate it when I'm told I'm being a dumbass...
I want a garden
To plan and plant and cultivate...
I want to be able to go out occasionally and be able to find people willing to go with me
I want a life in short. I never get out and hence have problems meeting people. I try, but it's so much nicer when somebody has your back.
I want to be a rodeo star
I do! Therefore I must have my own training facilities and money to do it...I keep trying but have too many setbacks and age working against me...
I want a dark brown, deep, squishy leather couch
To go in the home I want and to throw my bullhide over. Then I could get some cool pillows to match.
I have very good things going on in my life...just sometimes they're hard to see through all the rain. I know this...I'm just down and out and needed to vent. Thanks!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Blah, Blah, Blah...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Totally okay to stop and want things. I think that it helps get everything in line. I hear you on the mud. We lost a lot of piglets do to the mud this winter (it was really warm) and spring.
Go on vent, it is YOUR blog to do and say WHAT YOU WANT!
I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. Did you know you write beautifully?
I'd love to come down there and go to the bar with you. Just let me scrape together some cash!
I love you!
*hug*
I know how you’re feeling. Last weekend I was working in my garden, alone again, I realized that this isn’t even close to the life that I imagined for myself. I just don’t remember when I lost track of my dreams. I honestly don’t even have any friends left up here. SP doesn’t really count. He is more of a dependant. I decided that people only stay in the copper country if they religious fanatics, alcoholics or drug addicts. In the last year, I have yet to meet anyone without something seriously wrong with them. I’m no angle but some of these people have some very serious issues. It’s kind of scary.
I do still have my best friend, Bear.
Anyway I am thinking of a road trip. I would probably fly unless I could find someone else that would like to go. Maybe during the fall, I’m having issues with my heat, I can’t imagine yours. When do you go back to school?
Wish you the best,
Bryan
P.S. I quit smoking now for 23 days. Wish me luck
What happened to your dogs? Do you have them back?
I am sorry to hear that you are a bit down. It is perfectly normal to want things and want more out of life. Keep your chin up and know we are all here to listen when you need it.
I know you are probably still in Wyoming - but still wanted to let you know - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Guarantee most people put on the "facade" of happiness or are really happy most of the time - but EVERYONE wants different than what they have! You are not alone...
Post a Comment