Blah!

My evil twin Andrea came to visit from MI last week. It was sweet. I need more people to be friends with here that I've known forever. I probably talked her head off. It wasn't a long visit, but we had the opportunity to chill at the pool, go to the dunes, visit and shop in Creede and go bra shopping (because the girls stopped behaving again and now nothing fits. And I refuse to order bras online as my experience has shown only about 1 in 10 bras are worth buying and I can't afford to deal with shipping costs over and over. I also can't wear an underwire anymore. Try finding support now! HA! - but it's really not funny). It was only at Walmart, but can I say that Danskin sports wear is my hero and their lined sports bras are saving my life? Or rather - at least the girls - for now.

Other than getting more and more tired and more and more uncomfortable - everything is great. I'm still mad at my doctor for leaving me, but at least I have one last visit with him and then I'm pretty much in the home stretch anyway. There's not much to say about the medical field here in the valley, so when someone like him (who actually is knowledgeable) leaves, it sucks. It makes me nervous, but I've had a pretty uneventful pregnancy thus far and all signs point to that staying the same. So now that I've cursed myself, I'm going with the one midwife we have her that works out of the hospital. She believes in hospital directives (which isn't saying much here, but at least we have a 'flight for life' to Denver), and painkillers. Not to offend anyone because this is my personal opinion, but screw that natural birth stuff. I know I'm tough. I've been bucked off horses. I've been bucked off horses on railroad tracks and have scars. It hurt and I almost passed out more than once but worked through it and got back in the saddle half conscience - to lead a parade no doubt. I also had a horse turn over on me and crush my foot. Did you know there are more nerve endings in your foot than anywhere else in your body? And that one of the most dense bones is found in your foot? I shattered it. That took a lot of force. If I had had the choice for painkillers THEN I would have taken them, but I didn't have that choice. Now I have the choice and I want them. I don't feel the need to prove how tough I am. I already have. Yeah me.

My immediate family still isn't involved with my pregnancy. I guess it is bothering me since I'm blogging about it. I found out recently that nobody really knows - which means my mom hasn't told my billions of family members. My Uncle also died a few weeks back and I had a ticket ready to purchase for the funeral and then I got to thinking...I didn't want to fly home for a funeral and have it turn out to be about me and this pregnancy nobody knows about. How uncomfortable for my mom right? When she's supposed to be grieving for her brother? And everyone's wondering why they didn't know her only daughter and firstborn is expecting...soon? Her first grandchild?

Yes, I'm understandably upset and I'm thinking my uncle would have told me to just let her get over it and give it time - That not going was the right thing for her to work through her feelings concerning his loss. I feel like everyone wants a little piece of me and I'm supposed to not ever be upset, or disappointing, or disagreeable or I'm not part of the family. I guess all this coming on the end of a surprise pregnancy that scares the shit out of me, trying to be a step-mother that I feel I fail at miserably, walking on eggshells around the MIL and trying to get that in a happier place (despite being totally ostracized by the rest of my husbands' family over religion), and doing the best I can to be everything my husband wants me to be - makes me feel I don't have many places for me to turn to for support.

Honestly I don't know where all that just came from - but evidently I needed to get it out. I'm overwhelmed and scared half to death to bring a baby into this all.

Ugh. I hate it when my post turns into a pity party. What I need to do is go out with my camera and take photos of everything I have worked to hard for and write a post about that. So - as of now I'm making that my assignment for next week.