Thank you gals for all being so supportive! I've been down butloved getting your comments. I'm leaving here in a few for Wyoming to fight fire for 18 days, so I won't be around at all. I plan on coming back in great shape, with a great new attitude. Figured this is good to clear my head and get back on track with school, work and men. Love you all!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I know I don't normally do this and am the advocate for keeping your chin up, but honestly? I'm tired of my chipper attitude and keeping a smile on my face for everybody else when I want to throw myself on the ground, kick my legs and scream bloody murder...that's right, a good, old fashioned temper tantrum. I figure maybe if I get this all down, or most of it, I'll feel better since it'll be out of my system. I'm not wanting sympathy...just come visit and go to the bar with me instead.
The last few weeks have been harrowing...actually, this whole year has been so far. It seems everytime I think something is going my way for a change it blows up in my face. Within the last two weeks in particular I've had my dogs stolen, a horse turn over on me, another run for the shed door and when I bailed cracked a rib, my boss argue with me - only to turn around and admit I'm right but take credit for my thoughts to our supervisor, been left incredibly lonely during my ordeals, and to top it all off, it hasn't stopped raining and my paddocks are ankle deep in mud so no training is occurring and rodeo may be out for me yet again this year. I am depressed and unhappy and I can't help but think what could I change to fix these situations short of living in a small, padded cell? I really can't think of anything, so please feel free to share any ideas you have. And yes, I just keep wiping the mud off and moving on through the storm.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (perhaps why I'm feeling so overwhelmed) about what I want in my life that maybe I thought I'd already have by now. So if this is selfish and greedy sounding I apologize in advance.
I want a real home
Really, I've been bouncing around since I was 18. I want someplace to call home, know it's mine, put in some roots...
I want a truck with less than 200,000 miles on it
I love my truck, but really, she deserves to retire...and no matter how hard I work at it, I just am not getting to that goal.
I want someone to belong to no matter how far apart we are (and vise versa)
I don't want to date anymore. I don't want to play games. I want to have that security and just know (ya know?).
I want someone to come home to
Empty house, empty yard, empty fridge...
I want a family that includes people
I love my dogs, cats, horses...goose, chicken...but sometimes I appreciate it when I'm told I'm being a dumbass...
I want a garden
To plan and plant and cultivate...
I want to be able to go out occasionally and be able to find people willing to go with me
I want a life in short. I never get out and hence have problems meeting people. I try, but it's so much nicer when somebody has your back.
I want to be a rodeo star
I do! Therefore I must have my own training facilities and money to do it...I keep trying but have too many setbacks and age working against me...
I want a dark brown, deep, squishy leather couch
To go in the home I want and to throw my bullhide over. Then I could get some cool pillows to match.
I have very good things going on in my life...just sometimes they're hard to see through all the rain. I know this...I'm just down and out and needed to vent. Thanks!
at 5:32 PM
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Finally posting pics from the fire a few weeks ago. Since then it's been raining like crazy everyday, these may be it for this season unless we dry up or get sent up to another state. Sorry my thumb seems to be in a few of them, I haven't edited them yet!
The fire was on the North side of a natural gateway we call Hell's Gate. This is driving into it around 7:00 in the evening. At this point it was smoking real good, but starting to lay down for the night due to an inversion.
One of my crew members and I getting in for the night before spiking camp. We were right under the fire all night and saw a pretty good light show. Unfortunetly since I was using a disposable camera nothing turned out. An old crew member of mine had the other camera I brought and I haven't gotten his pics yet, so maybe some of his turned out. It was pretty spectacular.
Our drop sight on a spot fire we had some trouble getting put out.
Hanging out and trying to get some shade. It's amazing how many people can fit under a few small bushes when they try!
Our drop sight for re-fueling. Water, food, and
at 5:17 PM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Of all the crazy and bizarre things that happen in my life, this one takes the cake. First off, my 5 days off were extremely boring and consisted of getting ranch work done, horses rode, and my carpets and floor cleaned by hand...oh yeah, I paid bills also. I did actually go to the modified car races on Saturday night to watch the fireworks and discovered Maverick is very scared of them and can cover a lot of ground very quickly. I walked over two miles to finally find him running back to me, so who knows how far he actually ran.
Anyway...so last night I'm sitting on the couch paying bills and hear a vehicle slow down on the road in front of the place. This isn't strange since a student was killed in my drive last spring and people slow down to see the stuff others have left there (whole other story I'm not happy about and am not getting into...). So a few minutes later I head out to take the dogs for a walk and Mav and Sedona are gone. No biggie since they head over to the ditch all the time for a swim so I started walking that way and calling them. Nothing. So then I get mad 'cause I figure Sedona headed down to harass the Goose and Chicken and start that way. Nothing. Now I'm a bit worried so I go out to the road and am looking around and calling...still nothing. I decided to head out with Dixie thinking maybe they just can't hear me since the wind was blowing and start covering the front 200 acres or so along the fence line. Nothing. I call the Sheriff and ask if anyone brought in two dogs off the Hwy. They don't have anything but let the guys know I'm missing my dogs and to bring them home if they find them. This is now about 2 hours into the search and I'm starting to panic since these are like my kids we're talking about here! Ok- I'm heading out in my truck now to see if they made it down to one of the county roads, thinking the whole time time this is impossible, and that they never leave the property or ever go out of calling distance.
And this Bronco pulls into my drive, opens the door and out come the missing pups. The guys like, "we thought these might be your dogs". Now I have no idea who these folks are, but I'm so happy to see them! I ask where he found them and he replies down by the fence...I'm confused and ask what fence? And he says the white one...I look over at MY white fence at the drive about 100 feet away and ask, "my fence?" And he's like "yeah, a few hours ago..." I'm way confused now because I'm thinking this guy stopped and took my dogs from MY yard. Which he did. I don't know why he brought them back, or even why he took them, but I'm just glad to have them. I'm definitely keeping them in the backyard from now on near Dixie who'll eat anyone she doesn't know who comes too close.
at 8:08 AM