Thursday, April 05, 2007

My Brother is Getting Married

Bear with me while I whine a bit...

Am I totally wrong for feeling weird (and maybe a bit jealous) over the fact that my brother is going to get married next year? He told me he was going to propose at Thanksgiving, maybe around spring-time, and he did just a few weeks ago.

I do really like the girl he's going to marry, and it seems she's pretty easy going about everything, so the wedding will probably go off with out a hitch...but I'm just feeling a bit strange over the whole thing. My baby brother is getting married, has found a person he wants to spend the rest of his life with and I still haven't. It's just made me a bit depressed, and I'm even more down and out about it because it makes me feel selfish to think this way. I've given myself a lot of time to chew on this it isn't like I'm just jumping on some feelings that popped up when this all started to happen.

I feel I have to work lots harder to reach my goals, have had some serious setbacks, force myself to overcome incredible difficulties...and my brother just waltzes around and has this incredible luck with his jobs and the women he meets. And now he has this amazing woman to spend the rest of his life with and I feel as if it just hasn't been fair. I'm a bit less than happy with work and don't feel appreciated at all, plus I seriously thought I was in some fairy-tale relationship once upon a time, and not only did it go sour, but just about ruined my life as well. It seems things must thunder, lighting and then be knocked down by hurricane force winds before they end for me instead of just having a rain and letting me know it isn't working. I definitely have a life it pours on...and trust me, I would catch the hint if the clouds started rolling in and I was blessed enough to actually have a warning.

Granted, I don't want Prince Charming, they don't exist in real life. And I do have a wonderful relationship NOW though, and maybe things will work out with us, but I occasionally feel like if I start to think about taking this a step farther, all I'll do is step on my brother's toes because he was engaged first. What a conundrum!

I AM happy for my brother. Really. I'm also really glad he doesn't have to deal with the hardships I do, 'cause they suck and I'm not sure I would wish them on anybody. But sometimes I wish big, life-altering, happy things would come to me a bit easier as well...occasionally. Without me having to go to Hell and back first.

Oh God. I'm going to have to wear a bridemaid dress.


Anonymous said...

Quit beating yourself up for wanting what your brother has... That being said - what you have is pretty awesome. You have jobs that you love, an awesome view from your place (from what I can tell from pics), a huge heart, and great friends! If the current beau is the one - that will be about you... not stepping on your brother's toes!

AJ said...

It's totally human to feel that way. I was way envious of my sister and brother who had a significant other when I was so depressed about a break up a few years ago. It's just natural, so don't feel bad about those thoughts and feelings popping up.

I know it's not much consolation, but the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' really is true, and I'm sure you realize that. I also truly believe that the good times are so much better when you've had bad times to go through first.

Lesley said...

It is completely normal to feel this way and healthy to get it out of your system. From the all knowing internet, the 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Sounds like you are almost to acceptance. You will get there and be able to celebrate your brother and his bride. Hope the dress has hoop skirts and a parasol ;o)

Diana Stark said...

Let me know when you'll be in town! We must get together!!!