Blah!

My evil twin Andrea came to visit from MI last week. It was sweet. I need more people to be friends with here that I've known forever. I probably talked her head off. It wasn't a long visit, but we had the opportunity to chill at the pool, go to the dunes, visit and shop in Creede and go bra shopping (because the girls stopped behaving again and now nothing fits. And I refuse to order bras online as my experience has shown only about 1 in 10 bras are worth buying and I can't afford to deal with shipping costs over and over. I also can't wear an underwire anymore. Try finding support now! HA! - but it's really not funny). It was only at Walmart, but can I say that Danskin sports wear is my hero and their lined sports bras are saving my life? Or rather - at least the girls - for now.

Other than getting more and more tired and more and more uncomfortable - everything is great. I'm still mad at my doctor for leaving me, but at least I have one last visit with him and then I'm pretty much in the home stretch anyway. There's not much to say about the medical field here in the valley, so when someone like him (who actually is knowledgeable) leaves, it sucks. It makes me nervous, but I've had a pretty uneventful pregnancy thus far and all signs point to that staying the same. So now that I've cursed myself, I'm going with the one midwife we have her that works out of the hospital. She believes in hospital directives (which isn't saying much here, but at least we have a 'flight for life' to Denver), and painkillers. Not to offend anyone because this is my personal opinion, but screw that natural birth stuff. I know I'm tough. I've been bucked off horses. I've been bucked off horses on railroad tracks and have scars. It hurt and I almost passed out more than once but worked through it and got back in the saddle half conscience - to lead a parade no doubt. I also had a horse turn over on me and crush my foot. Did you know there are more nerve endings in your foot than anywhere else in your body? And that one of the most dense bones is found in your foot? I shattered it. That took a lot of force. If I had had the choice for painkillers THEN I would have taken them, but I didn't have that choice. Now I have the choice and I want them. I don't feel the need to prove how tough I am. I already have. Yeah me.

My immediate family still isn't involved with my pregnancy. I guess it is bothering me since I'm blogging about it. I found out recently that nobody really knows - which means my mom hasn't told my billions of family members. My Uncle also died a few weeks back and I had a ticket ready to purchase for the funeral and then I got to thinking...I didn't want to fly home for a funeral and have it turn out to be about me and this pregnancy nobody knows about. How uncomfortable for my mom right? When she's supposed to be grieving for her brother? And everyone's wondering why they didn't know her only daughter and firstborn is expecting...soon? Her first grandchild?

Yes, I'm understandably upset and I'm thinking my uncle would have told me to just let her get over it and give it time - That not going was the right thing for her to work through her feelings concerning his loss. I feel like everyone wants a little piece of me and I'm supposed to not ever be upset, or disappointing, or disagreeable or I'm not part of the family. I guess all this coming on the end of a surprise pregnancy that scares the shit out of me, trying to be a step-mother that I feel I fail at miserably, walking on eggshells around the MIL and trying to get that in a happier place (despite being totally ostracized by the rest of my husbands' family over religion), and doing the best I can to be everything my husband wants me to be - makes me feel I don't have many places for me to turn to for support.

Honestly I don't know where all that just came from - but evidently I needed to get it out. I'm overwhelmed and scared half to death to bring a baby into this all.

Ugh. I hate it when my post turns into a pity party. What I need to do is go out with my camera and take photos of everything I have worked to hard for and write a post about that. So - as of now I'm making that my assignment for next week.

Gotta Wear Shades, Amongst Other Things...

Lots of stuff going on here. Put up a temporary fence for the horses so they can eat down some of the grass along both sides of the drive, waiting for our next flood for irrigation, am getting a great tan while teaching swim lessons each morning and I just got back from the doctors and everything's great - the cyst I had is gone, I haven't had any more sciatic nerve issues and basically now all I have to do is wait. However, the bad news is my doctor's leaving for another practice a month before the baby is due. S0 that more or less leaves me high and dry concerning a doctor... that's competent. Of course I am going with whom he suggested, but still. It pisses me off.

In other news: Wrigley's puppies are of age to sell and we went to visit to see the litters! Way too cute and I'm so glad I already had stud fees in hand and the pick of litter was wanted by the females' owner or I would have taken her home. There were 6 in one litter and 2 in the other (he 'accidentally' knocked up another female while visiting). Two babies died at birth when mom bit their umbilical cords too close, but everyone else was super healthy with a little help from the owners. There were 4 black and silver dapples, a red dapple, and 4 sables. Not too bad since both moms were straight red and Wrigley was the only one with any color! He has proven himself!!! Yeah!!!

Huge Wilderness fire burning behind our house in the sand dunes area. Since it's wilderness they've been letting it burn for about a week. It blew up today, but still is in an uninhabited area. Very cool to watch. I hope this doesn't turn out to be a crazy fire season since last year sucked and I can't go out on anything this year due to the belly. Can't believe how much I miss it! The peaks are at about 13,500 feet there so it gives you an idea of how high that plume is.

Mooooove Over Betsy! Or Better Known as Today I'm 32 and 28 Weeks Pregnant

Betsy's the big Longhorn in the background. I think I rival her? What do you think? She's living next to the house with a bunch of her friends this summer. She came by to say Happy Birthday.

Anywho. I started my morning off with a mile and half hike to bring in the horses from pasture and digging out some irrigation flows since we're flood irrigated here and the water for the horse pasture finally arrived - so I need to take advantage of it. Nate was still sleeping. Men. It was 6 am though and he didn't know the water had come up overnight. Still - men. But it is nice to know I may be preggers and still self-sufficient.

So now I'm off to teach swim lessons in my snazzy colorful swimsuit. I really don't care what I look like anymore really. I'm pregnant. Get over it.

My Iris's are blooming like crazy. The yellow ones opened first and are almost done, then the purple and are starting to finish up, redish came next and are at their height and the white ones opened yesterday morning. I didn't plant them so it's been interesting to see what I have. Columbine's are now opening and the tulips started but didn't do well after it froze a few nights in a row. Few other perennials took a hard hit but will make a come back and I lost almost all my annuals. Now I wish it would cool off! We went from super windy and dry to super humid and hot. Not a normal weather pattern for the valley. It's usually pretty cool in the summer here. I think the Michigan weather followed me special for my pregnancy.

Summer is Upon US!

I do actually have internet at home now, but it's slow and I'm back at my summer spot - the coffee house. However I don't anticipate this happening to often with a surly 5 year old (that I don't have today because she's with grandma - more on that later).

Sorry I don't have any pictures but Memorial Day weekend was fun! We went rafting on the Rio Grande - I wore a bathing suit in all my pregnant glory - and then stayed up 'till all hours of the night with my 'drinking' friends. Luckily I had another sober soul with me who's preggers as well. It was a beautiful day and sunshine, sunburns and beautiful water abounded!

I sent off my step-daughter's pony for the summer. Somebody wanted to borrow her and I'll be damned if I'm going to feed the little bugger when her 'owner' throws a fit everytime I suggest she spend some time brushing her or petting her. Now she's pissed at me. Oh well. She can pay for her feed then.

I don't have to take those damn pills from the doctor unless I think I need to. He said they really shouldn't be used over a long period of time and I did the right thing by not taking them as often as prescribed the way they made me feel. Thank God! I thought I as going to be tweaking for the next few months.

I shipped of my Step-daughter for the next 4 days to a family reunion with her grandparent's. I finally had to hash it out with my MIL and explain how her gradndaughter's behavior is not only not appropriate when she comes home from any kind of visit, but I've also about had it with her son and it's becoming clear to me that we get 'different stories' - and that from now on we have no 'go betweens' but actually communicate with one another. She was dumbstruck. She said she had no idea how bad her granddaughter was behaving and thought Nate was over-exaggerating. Bottom line - I need a break. It's been expected of me to be this great, fantastic mother and wife from the start and I've been pregnant the whole time. I haven't been cut a break and I'm tired of being a glorified babysitter and not living up to Nate's expectations. I laid down the law finally. I've been overwhelmed with trying to adapt as a wife and mother and deal with my own fears and exhaustion this pregnancy has brought on. It's my turn and I'm going to be a selfish bitch. Excuse the expression. I told my MIL that and said since she's been trying to contact me lately with wanting to help - than this is what she could do: Get her granddaughter out of my hair for a bit and work on her behavior so that when I do have her I don't have a crying whiny baby, and to tell her son to back off and stop playing games with us both - and be supportive rather than a whiny baby also. I also am making him go to therapy with me. I'm not his ex-wife who sat on her butt eating Cheetos through the pregnancy and never stopped. I'm an active person and having to slow down has been hard on me as well, but if I need to sit down I don't think I should be made to feel guilty because I'm not spending "enough time with his daughter". When the hell is he spending time with her?

This isn't hormonal either - this is me trying to please, please, please everyone and not getting anything in return. It's ending now. I'm too independent and if I don't try and fix it then I know myself, I'll leave and do it myself (which isn't really what I would want in the long run).

So I'm going to Gunnison for a weekend with some girlfriends. We have a conference and I can't wait for the short escape. I also am starting to teach swim lessons on Monday. They only last for a few hours each morning and then I have the rest of the day to myself for the rest of the summer. I'm very excited about this.