Friday, June 25, 2010


My evil twin Andrea came to visit from MI last week. It was sweet. I need more people to be friends with here that I've known forever. I probably talked her head off. It wasn't a long visit, but we had the opportunity to chill at the pool, go to the dunes, visit and shop in Creede and go bra shopping (because the girls stopped behaving again and now nothing fits. And I refuse to order bras online as my experience has shown only about 1 in 10 bras are worth buying and I can't afford to deal with shipping costs over and over. I also can't wear an underwire anymore. Try finding support now! HA! - but it's really not funny). It was only at Walmart, but can I say that Danskin sports wear is my hero and their lined sports bras are saving my life? Or rather - at least the girls - for now.

Other than getting more and more tired and more and more uncomfortable - everything is great. I'm still mad at my doctor for leaving me, but at least I have one last visit with him and then I'm pretty much in the home stretch anyway. There's not much to say about the medical field here in the valley, so when someone like him (who actually is knowledgeable) leaves, it sucks. It makes me nervous, but I've had a pretty uneventful pregnancy thus far and all signs point to that staying the same. So now that I've cursed myself, I'm going with the one midwife we have her that works out of the hospital. She believes in hospital directives (which isn't saying much here, but at least we have a 'flight for life' to Denver), and painkillers. Not to offend anyone because this is my personal opinion, but screw that natural birth stuff. I know I'm tough. I've been bucked off horses. I've been bucked off horses on railroad tracks and have scars. It hurt and I almost passed out more than once but worked through it and got back in the saddle half conscience - to lead a parade no doubt. I also had a horse turn over on me and crush my foot. Did you know there are more nerve endings in your foot than anywhere else in your body? And that one of the most dense bones is found in your foot? I shattered it. That took a lot of force. If I had had the choice for painkillers THEN I would have taken them, but I didn't have that choice. Now I have the choice and I want them. I don't feel the need to prove how tough I am. I already have. Yeah me.

My immediate family still isn't involved with my pregnancy. I guess it is bothering me since I'm blogging about it. I found out recently that nobody really knows - which means my mom hasn't told my billions of family members. My Uncle also died a few weeks back and I had a ticket ready to purchase for the funeral and then I got to thinking...I didn't want to fly home for a funeral and have it turn out to be about me and this pregnancy nobody knows about. How uncomfortable for my mom right? When she's supposed to be grieving for her brother? And everyone's wondering why they didn't know her only daughter and firstborn is expecting...soon? Her first grandchild?
Yes, I'm understandably upset and I'm thinking my uncle would have told me to just let her get over it and give it time - That not going was the right thing for her to work through her feelings concerning his loss. I feel like everyone wants a little piece of me and I'm supposed to not ever be upset, or disappointing, or disagreeable or I'm not part of the family. I guess all this coming on the end of a surprise pregnancy that scares the shit out of me, trying to be a step-mother that I feel I fail at miserably, walking on eggshells around the MIL and trying to get that in a happier place (despite being totally ostracized by the rest of my husbands' family over religion), and doing the best I can to be everything my husband wants me to be - makes me feel I don't have many places for me to turn to for support.
Honestly I don't know where all that just came from - but evidently I needed to get it out. I'm overwhelmed and scared half to death to bring a baby into this all.
Ugh. I hate it when my post turns into a pity party. What I need to do is go out with my camera and take photos of everything I have worked to hard for and write a post about that. So - as of now I'm making that my assignment for next week.


Carroll Farm said...

Sounds like it is crazy at your place. Hopefully the baby will mellow things out and the crazy can slow down for a while.

Hey, what about names???

AJ said...

As for drugs or no drugs, whatever birth plan makes you happy and comfortable is exactly what you should do!

Sorry to hear your mom isn't more excited about your pregnancy. Hopefully seeing and holding a sweet little baby boy will bring her around!

Erika said...

Sorry to hear your mom isn't doing what you'd expect. I've been down that road... I hated it. You don't have to do anything or be anything except for you and then everything will work out. Stop trying to please everyone... it'll never happen and it'll drive you crazy.

On another note...
Jason and I are planning a trip out west this summer. We'll be in Wyoming for sure. I'd love to see on a map where you are. Jason also has family in Loveland, CO.

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Bwahahahaha-Sorry...But I am so with you on the drugs. Except I was a dummy and didn't ask for them soon enough. By the time I decided I had had enough and asked for something for the pain...they told me it was too late.

Ooohhhh, I was P.O.ed. Told them they better get ready then, cause I was done with waiting. Didn't take long for the birth then-LOL.

You have been dealing with a lot of emotional BS for quite some time. I'm sorry you decided not to go back for the funeral due to how someone else has decided to handle YOUR pregnancy. Even if it was your mom.

The Wades said...

I was so happy to hear from you today. I have the nerve to whine about no comments when I've been too crazy and wacko to peruse and comment on the blogs I love. I hope you're right--just a summer thing. I miss sitting on my arse and playing on the computer.

You are going through some really tough stuff. I'm so sorry things are challenging for you right now.

Yes, go for the painkillers! You sound pretty darn tough to me. Besides, all the cool moms get epidurals. :)