Sunday, October 12, 2008

Really Lonely

Guys - I'm really lonely out here. I was real close to getting on plane today and leaving it all behind. I know I've got it alright and a job and MI doesn't exactly have the best economy right now, but I think I could walk away from it all 'cause anything would be better than not having anyone to talk to. Yes, I know I can always pick up the phone, but it's the creature comforts I'm lacking enough in to believe it's making me crazy. I think I'm becoming an introvert for fear of getting too close to anyone. My dogs and horses are the most contact I have with anything alive.

Yes, I stay fairly busy and am involved, but I haven't met real great people out here to be friends with. It seems there are a lot of backstabbers and cheats, and well, let's just say that even though Shane's around daily...I'm not sure I've ever truly had his attention or ever will. It's been sort of a self-esteem destructor; I believe is the best way to describe it all...I'll be fair though and say that my attitude probably hadn't helped things very much in the past.

I can't walk away from my responsibilities though, but the next 7 months may see me planning on how to out from many of them, as heartbreaking as it may all end up being for me. I guess I just ask a lot of 'why's' lately. Like how I never pictured myself still single and alone, and why I've had the hardships I've had in the past that have lead me here, and why can't I get ahead with certain things in life, and why, why, why....I know that the things I've gone through have shaped who I am, but enough already because what I'm becoming is bitter. And quite honestly, I have a really hard time believing anything anyone says to me anymore or trusting anyone. I'm not confident like I used to be and I question a lot of what I do on the basis of what if it's me causing things to be the way they are? I don't feel like me anymore...

8 comments:

Andrea said...

Just think, Vegas is soon!! Really soon!! I hope you aren't going to go out and buy a bunch of cats and stay inside your house for months on end. :) Did I get a small smile???

I know how you feel. I moved into this small town where everyone who now lives here has lived here since birth. It's hard to make friends if you "moved" into the area. So, I do not have any. I have a Nanny that watches my kids and I go and spend time with my horses. We are even thinking of getting another dog. Maybe you will go to Vegas and meet some really awesome people. If we lived closer, I would be your friend!! We can be pen pals!! LOL!! Hope you have a better day. Big ((((((HUGS)))))).

Danielle Michelle said...

OMG that's so funny 'cause I always say I'm going to be the old woman with a billion cats at the end of the block everyone is scared of at the rate I'm going!

Cheryl said...

I have 5 horses, 4 cats, and 3 dogs. They are great company! When I get home, the first thing I do is let the dogs in! Then, the cats want to be fed. On weekends I go visit the horses. They all keep me busy! You sound depressed. Is there a group you could join? How about exercise? Remember, we are here for 'ya!

randi said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. :( I know what it's like and it sucks...especially when you can't see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Even though you have responsibilities and think you should feel lucky to have a job in this economy, you need to be happy above anything else. If that involves packing up and leaving, then do it. Your happiness (and sanity) are more important that money. Decide what is going to make you happy in the long run and do it. :) You can always move to MN and hang out with me!!

Jericho Rose said...

I think if you really want to move back to MI, that you should do it. You've been talking about it for a while. K and I moved out of chicago and are very glad we did it. We talked about it for a while and then when we made the change, we were happier.

alanna rose said...

I wish I could make you feel better :) Move to Ohio! Only 2 hours south of Metro Detroit, and you could easily get a farm house with acreage and a barn - everyone is selling. And I would come and hang out, and ride your horses! Seriously, if you really want to be closer to home this isn't that bad of an area...

Diana said...

Honestly, see a shrink and vent. It may sound crazy, but you'll feel a ton better afterwards. Plus, they give you things to think about from an outsider's perspective.

Don't drop everything. You've worked so hard to get where you're at. I know it can be lonely, but things will change. Promise.

rae rae said...

((hugs))

I know the feeling. Truly.