What I Covet.

Clothes. Seriously. There are no maternity clothes within 120 miles of where I live. I'm not kidding. There are size L and XL I could purchase, but I'm sorry, it then looks like I'm wearing a tent (or something). I ordered Bella Bands that should be arriving VERY soon to help me out, but I need to get into the city. I like some stuff I've seen online, but I'm so hesitant to order anything until I have idea of what things should fit like. So far I'm liking Maternity.com and Old Navy.

And in actuality, there aren't that many things that seem to be out there for pregnant women. Everything is geared towards the baby. That's all good and whatnot, but this little bugger isn't going to be around for many months yet, and in the meantime I want things for me (what a selfish pain I am eh?)

I've been researching. I'm in love with a few choice items that are either 1) geared towards my complete comfort or 2) my stylish self (and occasionally 3) both).

Item #1 - The Leachco Snoogle Loop Pillow

I love pillows and already sleep cuddled up with a billion of them...but Nate fights me for them and I want my own. I also am a tummy sleeper, and this is getting more and more uncomfortable all the time. I'm finding putting a pillow between my legs at night is way comfortable amd I can still lay in a position that is almost on my tummy, but not quite. What else I love about this pillow is it can be folded in half and used to lean up against with arm rest.

Item #2 (and #3) - Kimono Style Robe. Knee Length with Matching Lounge Pants. Sold at plumprettysugar's shop on etsy.com

Not only do these look soooooo comfortable, but also look like something I would love to bring with me to use as a receiving gown in the hospital....and lounge around in after the baby is born at home....and lounge around in before the baby is born at home...the list goes on. I also really like the materials this woman uses to make her clothes. They are so light and airy, and the patterns are really beautiful.

Item #4 - Vera Bradley Baby Bag

I love Vera Bradley. The new baby bag rocks. They have a ton of pockets, is lined for easy cleaning, has clips for pacifiers, keys, etc and also include a terry cloth changing pad. I'm a huge fan of all the different patterns and colors used, and once the season changes and new patterns are introduced; sale items ensue!

Crazy Gene

I think a crazy gene runs in my husband's family. Really, really, for reals... Let's look at the stats before we got 'hitched': I'm 31, never been married, have no children and have a career. That was a problem for my MIL. I obviously was praying on her poor son. Let me clarify: He never knew what hit 'em!

Now his family (many of whom go to the school I teach at) is spreading the rumor the only reason he married me was because he, "knocked me up." Hmmmmm....interesting. I have three responses to that...but I'm going to give edited, realistic responses instead (there also are three):

1) My custom wedding dress was bought over the summer. If it had been a tighter fit; somebody would have had to sewn me into it. I tried it on in the summer and never put it on again until the day of the wedding.

2) I drank the night before the wedding, before the wedding, after the wedding, at the reception, and after the reception. Wouldn't do that to my baby. I also drank at my reception here in in Colorado. I had conceived by then (a day?) but was completely unaware.

3) I waited 31 years to test my fertility. I, of course, had natural concerns about it seeing as that my mother had trouble conceiving. I wasn't about to test it before the wedding in case there was heartache ensuing, and also...see #1. Duh.

Obviously #3 wasn't an issue as getting pregnant took no effort what so ever. I think Nate looked at me sideways or something.

But seriously? What is their problem? At times it makes me feel ashamed I'm pregnant. What!? Are we in High School still. Oh wait - yes we are. That's what happens when you have no life and married right out of school.

You're brain occasionally gets stuck there. Permanently.

Thanks to all the great ideas last week. Some of those things I'm doing, some I'm planning on, and the rest I'm seriously considering. Erika - I DO need a therapist. Someone needs to take me out of the twilight zone...

I am still wearing my 'normal' cloths, but many with the buttons rubberbanded together. Bella Bands were ordered this morning - along with preggers pops....the nausea is still killing me. Before I go order online, I'm attempting to talk my husband into a trip into Pueblo to at least see, in person, some maternity cloths. I hate sending back online orders.

I'm making list of what I want to get myself in the next 6 months or so. I'm going to be selfish and needy since I don't expect anyone will be throwing a baby shower for me. Afterall, I stole my husband from his mother and entrapped him into marrying me. Shame on me.

I'm Allowed....

...to rant a little like I did last week. I feel like I've been put into the washer on the high spin cycle. Not only do we have little 'peepers' running all over right now:

But this little chica also has a fat preggers belly :

And this guy has two girlfriends expecting:

But wait...that's not all that has me in a tizzy. This gal also is starting to bust out of her cloths...oh wait, that's me starting to look like a milk cow (with short hair because I cut it all off - but ignore that. It IS growing back):Lots and lots of mixed feeling concerning this. If you happen to glance at the timer at the top of how long I've been married, you will realize why I left that up there...so y'all can get an idea on the timing of this one. Namely I've been married about 11 weeks. Guess what? I've been pregnant just shy of 11 weeks. Nice eh? So this is me at 13 weeks.

I've also been sick, frustrated with the lack of support I have here, and all those feeling concerning my step-daughter? Now compound them with the normal fears of a first pregnancy - namely if I'm having such a hard time getting it together with her, what in the world is going to happen when another little one comes along?

I know, the advice I'm going to get is just wait - it will all work itself out. I hate to say it though - but that doesn't help right now. I'm terrified of this whole thing.

Yes, we are excited. Don't get me wrong. I don't look at this as a curse or anything, it's just that I wasn't prepared mentally for this and it really didn't seem real until I heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks, and even then it wasn't until I had an ultrasound, and my cloths stopped fitting that reality dawned on me.

Yes - it took awhile to wrap my mind around it. But what I really want right now is to stop being sick. That is what is overwhelming my life and coloring my interpretations of all that is going on around me. It isn't letting up and I would like a little bit of my life back so I can deal with everything else.

What were the best things you had while pregnant? For nausea, insomnia, clothing, etc...

A Valentine's Day Love Story

It's that time of year again around here - when the animals start having little animals. There's a lot going on around here and I'll tell it all in 'doses' (since that's my new theme), and this is the story of the week:

Meet Ned the Pygmy Billy Goat:

He's in love with Shirley his lady and they are going to have a baby, or two, or three or maybe even four (depending...since goats are notorious for this):

Unfortunately for Ned, this guy is also in love with Shirley and won't let Ned near her anymore:

Poor Lucy the Gander lost his lady this winter after she was attacked by The Turkey (who will be making his way to a dinner table in the near future). As spring is fast approaching, Lucy has some misplaced sexual frustrations. Obviously.

See him making sure Ned keeps his distance? Poor Ned. The good thing is that I have these in the brooder right now for Lucy:

Two beautiful, swan-necked white Chinese females (right now they're just cute and fuzzy). He can start his own harem as soon as they grow some feathers and are big enough to be put outside without freezing.

So that was the Valentine's day love story on my place since I was left home alone and didn't even get a card. I bought myself a box of truffles. They were good.

The Second Dose

I still feel like I've got a millions things circulating in my brain that I'm not sure what to do about. Being indecisive and frustrated could be due to:

1) My 'witching' hour is between 3 and 3:30 am EVERY MORNING! Then I can't get back to sleep, and by the time I do actually get drowsy and drift off - the alarm goes off. Then I feel like I'm a dream state for the rest of the morning. That makes it hard to cope with things because I just don't due to my mental capacity being pretty much null and void. I then hit my second wind about 7pm and coincidentally can't fall asleep until 11pm or so. That isn't translating into much sleep.

2) Nate's ex-wife may be the stupidest person I've ever spoken with. A week after our wedding she filed a court order against him - under the pretext he was in violation of the divorce decree. Basically I think it was because she had called us around 40+ times during the time we were in MI (16 times the morning of the wedding alone) and we never took any of her calls - and because she had the number blocked. However, not only is he not in violation of anything - she actually is. Of course she decided she wanted to drop the whole thing after perhaps figuring this out, but Nate figured she brought this on herself and was going through with it. She called into court in lieu of showing up and now has been ordered to be present for the new date. It also was explained to her all the things she would be responsible for if she was wrong with her 'math' - and charges against Nate. Namely court costs, lawyer costs and money she owes - besides the travel expenses to get here she will incure. However, she also is SOOOO insistent now on being the 'good mom', she has been court ordered to call my step-daughter every night (so maybe she should start paying child support too hmmmm?). This is a way bad move on behalf of the judge because she is totally manipulative and abusive, asking questions like, 'what is Danielle doing with you?" - insisting that I'm not called 'mom' - asking her 3 and 4 times in a row if she loves her real mom and baby sister...it goes on. Even our child psychologist is in disagreement over this and feels it will set us back even more with her. But what to do but weather the storm?

3) I haven't spoken with my mother since the wedding, nor my father since right before Christmas. There is some history there. Namely Nate and I moved our stuff into a house in September when our leases on our separate places were up. Nate lived over an hour from where we had his daughter enrolled, and he was planning on being gone most of September and October for work. Since there has been some issues with his daughter we felt that uprooting her part way through a school year was something we didn't want to do, and establishing a schedule for her, (something she'd never had) was important. It was a tough decision to come to, especially since I would be taking on the responsibility of main caretaker during this time and that was new to me, but one we felt was best for her. I had explained this to my father and thought everything was understood. In a nutshell - from a moral stand point the b*tchfest my inlaws and parent's had on the night of our wedding made clear to my parent's we were, 'living in sin' and were, 'shacked-up'.

I would like to note that in relation to many of my cousins and other family members I think I've been a model daughter. Someone they could be proud of. I never got into things I shouldn't have in High School and was very responsible and goal oriented. In college my studies always came first and made sure that I carried a 3.5 or higher GPA at all times to keep my scholarships. I also always had a job and asked for very little money to help me through those years. After college I immediately got a job, and whereas my parent's were always very helpful, I never had to depend on them financially. I didn't settle into a meaningless marriage (and I had more than one opportunity), and I also didn't go have any children that I would have passed off to them to raise as a single mother - I instead deciding to focus on my career and hobbies and let those things come at the right time for me. At the very least you would think that my parent's would be on 'my side' (if there even are sides to be had...).

Could I please establish here that I can appreciate my parent's worries and concerns. I can respect if they were confused or disappointed in any way. I also am totally willing to see their side of the issue. BUT...

Can I also establish that I am a 31 year old women who is self-sufficient and responsible as well? That I feel they raised a great person who puts others first and am very respectable...perhaps they think of me as a failure? Their failure? Why in the world did they not talk to me about their concerns, worries, opinions, etc? Why was this all behind my back, without getting a full story, or even be willing to ask or listen to me? My father was very open in talking with me AFTER it all, but my mom hasn't said a peep. He suggested I write her a letter - I did - and received no response. I don't know what to do at this point because what I need is positive things - and I'm scared I won't get them.

And right now what I really need is my mom.

Bringing It to You in Doses...

I'm not kidding that it's been overwhelming. I thought I'd give it to y'all in doses leading up to what exactly has my world flipped upside down right now.

1) The MIL is on the rampage. Nate and I let his daughter spend some time over there at Christmas. We figured it was a good move to on our part to show our sincerity in wanting to all get along, and maybe we could have some time alone. All it caused was discourse. We fought...and not just over break, but well into the two weeks following it. When his daughter came back, the sweet little helpful girl that was making strides in our relationship as mother/daughter had turned into a monster as well. Swearing in school, lying, stealing, talking back to teachers, telling Nate and I her chores were, "our job, not hers", telling me she, " didn't have to listen to me"...etc, etc... It makes me have mixed feelings. Those along the lines of: I'm not good enough, screw it she's not my kid, what can I do to make it better, am I doomed to be a lousy mother, I can't stand her...etc... In a nutshell - it sucks.

Turns out there may have been some comments in the MIL's household to her (ya think?). There also was most definitely to both myself and Nate concerning our relationship. I was told that I was being lied to to make me happy. That she tried to warn me. That it never was going to work. Nate was told he never was around anymore. That I was making him a different person. That he should leave me... Nice huh? What was funny is that our response to her was exactly the same: "that's my husband/wife you're talking about! You are supposed to support us as a family!" Does she think we don't communicate with one another or something? Needless to say we have cut her out for awhile to concentrate on us as a family. Things are slowly getting better.

2) A close friend of mine who is privy to personal information, and whom I trust for advice concerning career and life, backstabbed me by disclosing MAJORLY personal information to my boss. It's not that big of a deal (turns out), but she's still mad at me and I don't know what to do to make it better. Yes, I know I should be totally mad at her, and I am to a certain degree, but what I truly am is deeply hurt and saddened that it happened and that she had to have known what position she was putting me in by opening her mouth when she did. It makes me depressed.

3) Because of above situation, I'm having to take on a little more work as a class sponsor. I'm exhausted and my body literally aches. I've had late nights for the last three weeks running and it doesn't help that the snow is finally arriving here which makes things twice as difficult to complete at home.

I know. Whine, whine, whine...

I promise the next post will be a bit happier and exciting. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Wouldn't You Want to be Him?

So the Saint's won. Was there that much doubt when about every game they played this year was seriously fun to watch? I mean we're talking interceptions, great passes, fantastic defensive plays, quarterback sacks....need I go on? My point is they were an exciting team all season and even if they hadn't won - it still would have been a good game to watch.

And despite the fact that he probably won't remember it - wouldn't you love to be Drew Brees' son last night?

Sorry I've been MIA for the two weeks or so. There's a lot going on right now and I'm just trying to keep up. I promise to have a HUGE life update very soon.